I called it!

July 22, 2007

I’ve been warning you about the squirrel agenda (world conquest) for some time now. In the past I wrote about squirrels killing dogs, attacking children, women and senior citizens. Today I have some new breaking news to share…

Regrettably it appears the squirrels have begun mobilizing their intelligence gathering forces. For the moment we are under the impression this is a part of their psychwar tactics, not the early signs of a confrontation (though there is always that potential). Here’s the scoop: Squirrels with embedded GPS and other intelligence gathering technology were captured as spies by Iran.

According to the DailyWireless.org, “at least 14 squirrels were arrested by Iranian authorities for espionage”. NPR also ran the story. Iran says the squirrels had GPS and other technology embedded in their bodies. This explains a lot. For a while now I’ve thought some squirrels jumped a little higher then naturally possible.

And as if Cyborg Squrriels weren’t a big enough problem, Iran is blaming us!!! Iran thinks, “[The] Rodents were being used by Western powers in an attempt to undermine the Islamic Republic” …I hope Iran realizes it’s the Furballs before they drop their first nuke.

I also hope this recent news tips some of you fence jockeys and social conformists. We all need to keep our eyes out for Cyborg Squrriels. Inconsistent eye reflections are a reliable indicator of embedded optical technology. Antenna toating tails move more rigidly and will react differently to charged wires. A field taser might be the best way to check a squirrel during interrogation. If one eye pops out or their tail catches on fire it’s a Cyber Squirrel. If it just gets really angry then it’s probably natural and you’d better chuck it ASAP. Even natural squirrels can do a lot of damage. I recommend standing near a lake within squirrel-chucking distance. Swimming to shore usually takes the fight out of ill-tempered vermin.

I’ll leave you with a video taken by a couple invaded by A SINGLE SQUIRREL. The man and women in this film were found mutilated in their home. There was no sign of the squirrel.


				

Further instructions will follow as additional information is made available. You’ve been warned. Act accordingly.

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6 Responses to “I called it!”

  1. Deb Reed Says:

    I feel I must protest the unethical treament of squirrels. They are the ones invaded by humans, they just want to live for another day and eat nuts.

    It is our invasion of their land that has increased the squirrel activity to defend themselves.

    Think about this; if we had our own nuts, why would squirrels defend their territory?

  2. 8r13n Says:

    Deb, if we were talking about any other animal I would agree with you. …But since I believe squirrels are the devil’s spawn, I cannot.

    …On the nuts bit, I’m not entirely sure I understood you. I think having a bag of your own nuts handy at all times is a decent plan. But I only see bribing squirrels into conformity is a good short-term solution. I don’t see that working in the long run.

    By now I think we should all agree that handouts lead to discontentment and low self-esteem. If squirrels want a place in society they need to earn it!

    A few hundred squirrels could generate a lot of clean energy, and earn plenty of money for nuts in the process. That’s the direction I’m suggesting we need to be headed in. Winning the hearts and minds of the average nut-gathering (soon to be power generating) squirrel is key to victory.

  3. Deb Says:

    What price “victory?” my friend.

    Can we somehow use nuts to run are cars and trucks and generate energy? If so, I’ll buy it!

  4. 8r13n Says:

    I think most nuts have a decent amount of oil in them. We’d probably need to sweat the oil out using steam or something. …But then we’d need squirrels to run the stream generators.

    I really don’t think there’s a solution to this outside of the squirrels adopting our form of life; Working for ‘The Man’ to earn a living. I bet most squirrels aren’t afraid of a little hard work. The key is education, we need to get these squirrels informed. It’s all a part of the NSDP’s psychwar mantra; Inform, reformed and repeat. We’ll start with jobs now and have them over extended on their credit within 30 years.

    And there are many other benefits to having squirrels actively participating in our economy. Consider the life span of the average squirrel (3-5 years). They’ll always pay into social security and never collect!

    Trust me, we’re on it and we realize the clock is ticking.

  5. Deb Reed Says:

    I feel I must protest the unethical treament of squirrels. They are the ones invaded by humans, they just want to live for another day and eat nuts.

    It is our invasion of their land that has increased the squirrel activity to defend themselves.

    Think about this; if we had our own nuts, why would squirrels defend their territory?

  6. 8r13n Says:

    Deb, I respectfully disagree with your position. …Squirrels hell-bent on world conquest may *only* be a figment of my imagination, but they’re real to me. 😉


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